The Drop Out

Back in 2006 (-'07), I started my first year of College. That adventure didn't last very long. By my second year in College ('07-'08), I was ready to call it quits--- and I did. To the disappointment of my family, I dropped out of College. For a year and a half, I did nothing academically related. I focused my effort and time into volunteering for my youth group. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go back to College anymore because I was enjoying doing things at my own pace. I had always been a laid back person, but the sense of freedom I felt was priceless. I had no deadlines to think of, no papers to write, and most of all I didn't have to wake up early (I'm a very nocturnal person)! I was living the life! Thank goodness I still had my youth group to instill some discipline and professionalism in me, because I swear without them I would have just become a very, very, very lazy person who survived on my mother's support for the rest of my (and her!) life. My family started pestering me about College, and my plans for the future about 15 months in to my "vacation". Surprise, surprise.

I've always been the person who doesn't plan for the future. I just figured the future will come someday and then I'll deal with it then, and only then. So when my grandmother and aunt really started to press me for details about my plans, I panicked and blurted the first idea that came to my mind. I decided on the spot (and I acted like I had been planning this for quite some time already) that I would go to College at this art school in the capital, which is an hour and a half away by plane from my hometown. I just wanted to get out of that house and not be around people breathing down my neck. When I finally started my first year at my new College with my new degree, I realized I had put myself in another situation similar to my previous experience. I enjoyed my classes, but damn, I hated everyone IN it. They were all younger than me, more energetic and just plain annoying. We had a bunch of suck-ups who made it impossible to get anything word-wise, and even worse, professors who valued monetary value/ expenses over actual work put in (to films). I guess I was adjusting once again to the fact that I had gone almost two years without any classmates and professors and deadlines and waking up early. I had, in fact, gone lazy, and maybe a little bit crazy. I was being carefree again, thinking about not thinking about the future. Nope, I wasn't going to deal with College anymore. I dropped out of College, again. Who drops out of College, twice in their lifetime? Uhm, me. However, reality caught up with me. Or more precisely, my family happened.

Fast forward to today, I am once again in College. This will be my last College, I swear! I jumped from being a Mass Communications Tri-media major, to a Digital Filmmaking major, and finally to a Professional Photography major, where I plan to stay. I'm 25 years old, and I'm not ashamed to say that I was a College drop out, twice, and I'm back in College now studying in a one-year diploma course. I am very happy where I am, and I am so comfortable that I'm actually looking forward for the term to start. I'll be in my second to the last term (we operate on trimesters) before graduation, come start of classes. I'm a little scared about what's going to happen after that, but I've learned my lesson! I can't avoid the immediate future anymore, but I won't think too much of the far future. I'd like to think that being a drop out has given me a unique set of experiences and knowledge that will help me face whatever comes my way, whenever it comes my way. I still plan on being laid back. Also, I'm pretty sure that I'll always be part rebel. Although, I know for sure that I will participate more and do my best to pass life with flying colors.

No? Too cheesy? Well, gosh, I plan to do it anyway!

The Runner

Sometimes we find ourselves running away from people we care about because we’re afraid of getting hurt. And that’s stupid, because we end up hurting anyway. We should allow ourselves to take risks, and accept that there is a possibility that we will get hurt because that’s part of being human.

Better to take risks, and know, than run away and wonder forever. I’m not going to run anymore.

When did we stop talking?

Was it when we started socializing in groups, instead of as a whole? Was it when the internet started to infiltrate our lives? Was it when gadgets became our iCrowd? Do you remember? When did we stop talking?

Sometimes I like to think that our experiences have shaped us into better beings, but that our inventions have held us back. Take talking and dancing for example. Back in the day, people had grand balls, social parties where they interacted with each other and caught up with the local gossip. They had dance cards and a required number of dances. Then, it evolved into jazz clubs and frantic dancing. Then, that evolved into razes, lesser body contact and louder music. And that eventually evolved into the kind of parties that we know now---unattached, fist pumping, body grinding, loud music and conversation barely there. There are also parties where iPhones and Galaxy Notes become our only point of social interaction. We see people (and not just kids) punching their enthusiasm for the party onto their Twitter and Facebook accounts, during the party. How do you expect to enjoy and socialize that way? Is this the reason that we stopped talking?

In my opinion, yes, this is the reason we stopped talking. 

I try to change that whenever I have small parties with my friends. We play games, eat and talk. Yes, the gadgets are there, but they're not the main focus of our gatherings. The truth is, it is difficult to completely separate ourselves from our inventions (not impossible, just difficult) because we feel vulnerable without them. When we put down our gadgets and face other people, it feels like we are opening ourselves for a world of hurt. When we start to talk and interact, we start to build relationships. Relationships usually lead to disappointments and failures, and we're afraid of feeling that. That is why we hide behind our gadgets. That is why we've stopped talking.

Are you willing to take a risk, put down your gadget, and start talking again? I know I am.

Still writing (and talking),

The Ghost That Was Once Me

I loved reading books and I could read an entire book in one day. I thought my parents and siblings would be proud of me because I was the fastest reader in our class! I thought they would appreciate that I was sprouting all these new informations and stories because I read almost every book I could get a hold of! They weren't. They scowled at me because I never talked to the other kids. They reprimanded me because I never helped with the chores. They shouted at me because I didn't eat with them at the table. I admit my healthy obsession was unhealthy, but I didn't know this. I was in grade school! Nobody cared enough to explain why what I was doing was wrong.

So I turned over my reading for singing. I sang in class, I sang during competitions, and I sang at school functions. When I shared this with my friends and family, they didn't congratulate me. In fact, I don't think they even heard a word that I said. Their glazed over eyes seemed to stare right through me, and their ears heard nothing but a string of jumbled words. 

When I stopped singing and I stopped reading, I just simply stopped. I stopped being and doing anything. I was a walking zombie. This didn't sit well with my teachers, my guidance counselor, my parents or my friends. They all said I was lazy. Lazy and hopeless. One time, I was sitting in our parked van with my one-year-younger-than-me cousin and the AC and radio was off. My cousin asked me if she could turn it on, and I said sure but only turn the key on the ignition once. My cousin reached over to the driver's seat and yanked the key all the way. The van instantly jolted to life, scratched three parked cars and stopped when it hit a fourth. When we got home, my aunt who was just visiting, who I have no close relationship to, who I do not talk to, walked up to me screamed insults and slapped me. I stood there, not because I was shocked, but because I felt nothing. Everyone blamed me. Me who sat by and did nothing, while my cousin who yanked the keys all the way, who I clearly told to turn it up only once, got by with a free pass, a few hugs and reassurances, and said nothing to defend me.

So I stopped stopping, and started being someone and doing something. I joined a youth group. I applied for a group, got accepted and quickly rose the ranks to become a leader, a head of a committee. A committee of people who had been in the youth group longer than me. Every Saturdays, I would help kids below the age of 13 with activities and songs and dances and the arts. Every Tuesdays and Saturdays (and sometimes even Sundays), I joined in meetings, I learned about God more, and thought that I had changed. My other friends and family were quick to point out that I hadn't changed. I was worse. They told me that I wasn't any good because I was serving and helping in the community, but I was worthless in the house and at school. I didn't understand what they were saying because I was trying to change my attitude but it would take time and it would be a miracle if I changed in just one night. I knew it was a process, and needed time before I was a better person. But no. I spent two years of my life in the youth group, in the middle of which I lost my dad whom I loved so much, until I was too ashamed to go back. Too frightened that I still hadn't changed. Too scared to think I was a better person.

Over the years of torment, misunderstandings and failures I grew a shell. Not to protect me, but to hide myself in. I was a ghost. I stopped reading. I stopped singing. I stopped wishing. I stopped dreaming. I stopped hoping. I stopped being me. I stopped. The years went by in a blur, and every day that went by I was wishing I could die and disappear. I didn't want to kill myself because I was too much of a chicken, but I wanted to die. Die in an accident. Die in my sleep. Anything, just as long as death was there to greet me. But I didn't. I survived and now I'm a changed person.

I didn't have to go through any of that. I didn't have to become broken to be whole again. I didn't have to be pushed, just so I could pull myself up. Someone could have just talked to me. If one person in the form of any of my friends, parents, teachers, guidance counselors, counselors and facilitators had only stepped up to me and told me what I was doing wrong, I could have become more like everyone else. As it is, nobody did, and I wasn't.

I'm not medically diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but I have had my fair share of medically diagnosed physical illnesses. I was poked with needles day in and out  for two months because I had a blood condition that flared, but disappeared without reason. It still runs in my system but hasn't flared again. I was operated on. I was diagnosed with asthma. I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was diagnosed with ITP. I was put under observation for MS (still am). I was told that I had a lipoma in my head that it was benign but I have to keep having an MRI for as long as we could because it might become malignant. Why do you think I have so much physical things going wrong with my body? Because I was depressed. Because I was a ghost. Because I was misunderstood. Because I didn't want to live anymore. Because I gave up. My body was starting to give up on me too. Just when I've come to term with my life and decided to change who I am, and try to become a better person... my pleas of death and wanting to die are being answered. Death has teased me. Death has called. Death will not be answered. Yet.

I don't know if this post is going to make much sense. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to talk and tell you my story. This is who I was, and this is who I am. I'm not giving up because nobody understood me. I'm not giving up because nobody came up to me and helped me. I'm not giving up because I'm not giving up on me. I'm worth it.

I want to live. I want  to be alive. I want to keep falling in love with the person who I have loved the most for these past three years. The person who I have held on to for strength. The person who understands me. The person who has held me up. I want to grow up with him. I want to have kids with him. I want to start a family. I want a family.

When I do have a family, I'm not going to turn my child into a shadow of what he or she once was. So please understand, I'm asking you... treat your child right. Not every turns out okay without tender loving care. Please treat your child like a gift, don't turn your back on them, don't stop listening to them, and most of all don't stop loving them even when they're unlovable. They need you, like I needed my own parents. Please don't let your kid turn out like me, or worse. Please don't let them be ghosts living with their ghosts.

Still writing and talking,

Where Have You Been?

Hi.

I'm sorry for having been away for a very long time. I've been trying to ask myself for the past few months, how do I write for people whose problems I don't even know? It was bothering me that I talked about talking about a lot of things, but I didn't even know what you, my dear reader, wanted to read about. I guess it shouldn't have bothered me though, I have little to no readership at all, so why should I worry too much? There, it's been decided. I'm going to change what this blog is about.

I don't want to talk about just specific things anymore (like helping family members, or understanding your kids from a kid's perspective). I've made a decision to just talk.

YES, TALK.

If it hits a note or resonates with someone else, wonderful! But if it doesn't spark anything from anyone, or doesn't earn me a few extra reads--I'll be okay with that. I know I'll be fine, just as long as I get to talk and write.

After all, that is what I'm good at---blabbing. Until the next entry (and I promise it'll be sooner)!


Still writing,

For You

Hello there!

If it's your first time here, then I want to welcome you to my blog and if you've been here before, whether by accident or purpose, I say, welcome back dear friend!

I want to thank all of you, new and old friends, for (still) being with me. I am still surprised by the response (as per blogger's stats) to my blog, seeing that I'm fairly new and haven't published a new entry in a while, it surprises me that some kind souls have wandered or purposefully come here. I say kind souls because I do not think it is my writing that brings you here, but rather, fate because of all the millions of blogs that you come across, you're here, now. So, thank you! Even if you decide that this blog is not for you, but you've come across it even once in your life, I still say thank you for giving me  some of your time.

(from my friends, to you, thank you!)

Speaking of blogs entries, I've realized that my most popular post, by far, is the one about kid's perspectives and it fascinated me. I don't know if its popular because parents want to hear about what's happening to their kids, or maybe parents want to hear stories of other parents/ persons who deal with kids. It could also be a whole other reason, but whatever it is, I've decided to follow-up that blog. I will be posting it sometime soon. Yes, I realize that it seems silly of me to post a post about posting it (wow, what a mouthful!) but I wanted to show you that I am still writing for you. I am a little behind my entry posts but I wish this short update will make it up somehow. I want to help bring your journey with your kids further, and that is why I am writing from a kid's perspective, again. Also, I thank you for reading and talking with me.

I hope that I will not disappoint you, because you matter to me. If you want to talk, please, leave a comment, or you can Contact Me here and I will get back to you, I promise!


Still writing, 

End of The World And Failures

"It's 2013, and it's the end of the world!"

So what do we do next, now that we've survived the supposed apocalypse? We've survived the "apocalypse", we've survived the Y2K bug, and I'm pretty sure we'll survive the next anticipated apocalyptic date but, I have to ask you a question: Will you survive your next failure? I ask you this because failure is one of the most inevitable thing in our lives, more likely to happen than an apocalypse. You cannot really outrun it, cannot really hide from it and you definitely cannot NOT experience it. Maybe there was a time you tried to wiggle your way around it, and a time when you tried to sit back and not face it, but there's nothing you can or cannot do that will help you avoid it. It's just part of life! 

However, there is one thing that you should know about your failures---it means you tried! 

You put your foot forward, you reached for something, and you voiced your thoughts. Now, doesn't that sound like an accomplishment? You could have just done nothing, but you didn't, did you? Yes, you failed (and you will continue to do so) but you tried! You accomplished something when you failed, you accomplished experience! Not only that, you gained courage because not many people would risk themselves for something they're "not sure about". The brilliance of it all is that in your failure, you've succeeded. It is truly just a matter of perspective! 

If it isn't obvious to you yet, your opinion about your failure directly equates to your attitude in life. You need a healthy life, a full life! In order to do that, you have to keep a positive outlook. However, you don't need to be "positive Patty" nor should you be "negative Nancy". You should just be the best of what you are and what you have, and try to see the best possible you. Lastly, please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Just because I say that failure is an accomplishment doesn't mean that you should just be content with your failure. What I'm really trying to say is that you should take your  failure, learn from your experience, and try again! After all, "trying" is what sets apart the survivors, the winners and the leaders from the "zombies".

So I ask you again, will you survive your next failure? 

Still writing,